Pride versus Sensitivity

People can be so naïve sometimes, coming up with special convincing theories and believing them. Yet they only approach a scenario from one angle, usually the one that is most suitable to their own biases. Of course, I'm talking about sensitivity versus pride here.

Consider this psychological arrangement: One cries over poetic illusions. Another doesn't. Is one weaker than the other? Is the other stronger? "That's not stronger," an old man whispers in the shadows of my sub-conscious." Crying is not a weakness," he contends; "it's sensitive." And sensitivity isn't a weakness; it's caring." Yet another opinion, one that's actually positive about those with feelings. One that believes as I believe: that feeling often isn't an indication of pride; it's often evidence of one who cares to care.

Insensitive people translate sensitivity as pride. Sensitive people translate insensitivity as pride. In fact, when people say hurtful things to you, or treat you in a hurtful way, it's often more proud to not be hurt. Master Ego may think so much of himself that nothing anyone could do or say could make him feel less of himself.

It's disappointing how many people believe that to be sensitive is to be proud. If that's the case, I guess I'll never care what others say to me again. I'll just ignore their opinions and replace my pride with ignorance. Even better. And I guess I'll never care what I say to others again. If sensitivity is bad, then treating people with respect is bad. Try being an asshole instead. It's too bad those with padlocks on their visions and ideals for the world value the big ugly key of being an asshole over the warmth of sensitivity.

Being offended, being insulted and being hurt... To be hurt by something that was meant to hurt you is healthy sensitivity. If someone calls you ugly or stupid, those are words with a specific purpose: to hurt. And to have no response sounds dangerously cold, gravely self-confident. To be offended by something that wasn't meant to offend is pride unless the offense is a result of one's own superstitions and insecurities about one's own character. For example: Some find it very hard believing in themselves growing up. They're afraid to open their mouths because every time they do they feel stupid. Having people tell you that it's proud to fail to believe in yourself is very difficult to swallow.

I always felt stupid growing up. This was a superstition based on the fact that my family was very unlike the families of most other kids, and I knew that. We were very unstable and very poor. This gave me a weird, deep-rooted superstition that there was something wrong with us. I was insecure about myself and where I belonged in the community; where my mind belonged, how it worked and didn't work. I didn't believe in my own self so when others said anything to this effect, I felt hurt. It had nothing to do with pride. How could it? I was shit-poor and weird looking. I wasn't allowed to have pride, after all. Fate forbade it. This was all because I was insecure about where I came from. I loved my family, of course, but they often made me feel crowded and isolated at the same time. My family was off-the-wall and seemed so much unhappier than the families of other kids.

So this hypersensitivity to my own wrongly perceived stupidity made me very sensitive to criticism. When my first grade teacher told me I was doing something wrong I believed she was telling me I was stupid. To be offended simply because someone doesn't agree with you is pride. But to be offended because someone called you stupid because you didn't agree with them is healthy sensitivity. And to be hurt by absolutely nothing because you don't believe in yourself is probably one of the best examples of unhealthy sensitivity.

Being offended isn't always a proud response. It can be extremely sensitive though... even more so when it has the depth and power of the heart to feel for others. Some things can be considered offensive when it has nothing to do with you. For example - and this has happened to all of us: I recently stumbled upon a terrible message board that was just post after post of hating gays and justifying violence against women. It donned its anti-gay rants. It was a grim manifesto of ignorance presented in the form of bigotry. Zillions of posts in succession stated that rape statistics were all made up and exaggerated by the feminists to brainwash the masses. Rape never happens, apparently. And they referred to the feminists as femiNazis. This is one of the gravest examples of ignorance I've seen on the Internet. Just because you don't agree with this one or that one doesn't mean they're Nazis. And that's just a small chunk of it. The ignorance keeps getting better. They claimed the pain expressed by abused women was prejudice as it was anti man. Yet their ridicule for gays wasn't prejudice, wasn't anti anything. Gays deserved it because they are abnormal and weird and anti God, apparently. Whose God is that? Not mine, for sure. And I suppose their hate is pro God. Whose God Is that? Not mine, for sure. They went on to say grotesque sexually degrading things about gays - bad, bad hate jokes. This gratified themselves and their feelings of despair for the far worse peculiarities in their own sexualities, no doubt.

What does this have to do with being offended? Everything, of course. I was more than a tiny bit offended by this garbage. But I wasn't offended for me. I'm not a gay or a devout radical feminist, yet I still found all of the hateful comments just a little bit more than a little bit damaging to any kind of fair social structure we may or may not have. If we followed  these crass, brainless, off the cuff Internet message board philosophies our principal doctrine would be simple: keep on hating. Holy Misogyny!.

Pride is not sensitivity. Sensitivity is aware. It feels for others as well as itself. Sometimes I don't think there's any such thing as unhealthy sensitivity… unless you let someone take advantage of it or you let your own doubts take advantage of it. Some see it as being vulnerable. They manipulate it because they know they can get way with it. Many sensitive people will not pick up for themselves. Sensitivity merely looks out for its own feelings as well as someone else's. Pride doesn't care a whole lot about the feelings of others. And it cares about it's own self-image more than its own feelings.

I have a very good friend who is a musician. He is so young, and his music is so fresh and new and unique that many aren't willing to accept it for the idiosyncratic liturgy of emotion that it is. It doesn't sound just like everything else out there, which is what people want. Anything different is definitely not what people are looking for. He goes home and cries because half the arena emptied in the middle of his first song. And then he blames himself for being proud insisting nobody likes his music as much as he does. And then I wonder who told him that because people used to tell me stuff like that and I believed it. It's those who can’t feel making those who can feel, feel bad for doing so. I told him not to be telling people that because they will believe him. I had strangers tell me I was proud because I didn't believe in my work, too. And it just doesn't make any sense. And of course I was young and vulnerable and believed them. And hence, I went around telling everyone that I was a terrible person because I was proud. But how many proud people actually think they are terrible? And in actuality, I didn't believe in anything I did and that's why I told people that. And this only made a bigger mess of what people thought of me. If you believed in what you did you'd say screw it, it's their problem; you wouldn't go home and cry and believe everything everybody says about you. You would have the confidence to form positive opinions about yourself based on what you know about yourself. You would not be gullible enough to form negative opinions about yourself based on what others think about you. You'd say "my work is good no matter what they say". But my musician friend came home and sulked, sulked, pouted and sulked. It's hurtful to put your soul into something just to have everyone walk away from it. Anyone with a soul would be hurt by that.

Many people believe that to have feelings is to be proud as feelings can be hurt. Perhaps these people are not sensitive themselves and such beliefs fulfill their own personal biases. But can you convince these same people that to not have feelings can be proud too? People can say whatever the devil they please to them and they won't care. They think too much of themselves to care. No one can convince these people because it doesn't flatter them and fulfill their biases.

So my advice to the sensitive world is simple: Just keep dishing it out of your soul. Do your best and try not to care what people think. For what people think doesn't impress the soul; it's what people feel the soul is after.

Elaine 06