About Reason…
Check out the world from the bridge near the river; there you will find calm. Check out the confusion from the news on the television; there you will find the world. Kick a can around in front of Government House. Pick a leaf off the maple tree in the woods. Whatever most suits your patience. Whatever helps you find truth within yourself. My search for truth seems so futile, so now I search for reason. And reason asks a lot of questions, so may she who looks for it. Are tears a sign of psychological weakness, the failure to reason? Is fear a sign of the neglect of observation and objectivity, the failure to reason? Is anger a sign of the loss of integrity, the failure to reason? Or does it depend? Does it depend on what you're angry about? Does it depend on what you're afraid of? Does it depend on what makes you cry?
Some get angry over nothing; such feeling has no reason. Some are afraid of silly things, simple things, everyday things, nothing things, things they need not be afraid of; such feeling has no reason. Some cry about things that should make them smile or think; such feeling has no reason. So sometimes feeling and reason don't work together; yet sometimes anger is proof of reason. Sometimes fear is proof of reason. Sometimes tears are proof of reason. It depends on what saddens you. If leaf pickers talking no good about can kickers they don't even know angers you, then that's pretty reasonable because no-good talk is a good reason to be angry. Allow you be you and me be me because everyone has their way of dealing with things. If the end of the world scares you then that's pretty reasonable because the end of the world is a good reason to be scared. If AIDS orphans in Africa sadden you then that's pretty reasonable because AIDS orphans in Africa are a good reason to be sad. Anger, fear, and sadness are all feelings. And reason is reason. So sometimes feeling and reason really do work together.
Consider also though that you may think you have a reason to be angry, to be scared, to be sad, when you really do not. To be angry about people treating you badly is reasonable when there is good reason to believe that they really did treat you badly. But often there is no proof of such. They probably tried to be helpful, but their methods just made you feel badly about yourself. So to be angry would be irrational, unreasoned, without reason. People aimlessly kicking you around like a Pepsi can for something to do, and people trying to give you a push in the right direction, no matter how inadequate that makes you feel, they're two different things. To be afraid of the end of the world is reasonable if there is good reason to believe the end of the world is near. But there is no proof of the end of the world so it would be irrational, unreasoned, without reason to fear it.
I'm incredibly rational and I know I am. But I'm also very emotional. It's hard to know the difference sometimes. It's my reasonable side that understands how unreasonable the world is, and it is my emotional side that reacts to it. They work together. I have a strong passion for reason, but I also have a strong passion for spirit. So there is good reason to believe in spirits. I believe in people and each person has spirit. So there is good reason to believe in spirits. They possess the goodness and beauty of people and provide some comfort when there's all this other stuff going on around them. They represent the purest part of a person while all that other stuff does not - all that school, work, money, madness stuff. And then the spirit slows things down, figures them out, and sets them free again like a long river running through the middle of the big city, like a calm river paralleled by two narrow streets of traffic. The traffic of doing it your way goes one way; the traffic of doing it their way goes the other way: the traditional way, the religious way, the conformist way.
So I don't talk to Gods of religion. I do, however, talk to spirits. And maybe peace within comes from within. But it just seems like such an irrational thing to do. I have faith in the power if reason because the power of spirit fails. But sometimes I feel I have faith in the power of spirits because the power of reason fails. I'm too agnostic to believe in God; but I'm too intuitive not to believe in spirits. I'm too doubtful to call angels by name; but I'm too reasonable not to question what they really are and why they're really there. Angels are just spirits renamed by religion. Spiritual people can be irrational. Irrational people can be spiritual. It just seems irrational to believe in things you cannot see. But believing in spirits has kept me calmer and more rational in some of the most uncalm and irrational situations.
When the world seems too ponderous for the reason to love and too crazy for the spirit to rationalize, I start scratching at the end of the world with a dandelion sword. Then God ducks behind the sun. It is not his fault that those who believe in him shove his integrity against the wall of judgment - judging everyone who does everything a little different. And those who don't believe in him grip his creation like a weapon to defend themselves against the dying world that living fear has created. Sometimes it seems the only answer to conscience is not answering. If that was the case then there should be anarchy in heaven: heavenly anarchy. A doorstep spangled with ants, their spirits ascend to anarchy when children squish them for fun. It's all a game. Killing is all a game. But it is because they do not understand. They do not understand all right. They don't understand life or death; but they understand not understanding. Obviously that which was once alive is no longer alive when it is dead. But its memory is. And its spirit is, too. But she who holds the sword for the spirit is the first to doubt it. She believes in spirits; she does not believe in gods. Spirits are inherent within a person. They are shadows of personality, behaviour, and attitude. And you can see spirits through these things. But gods are unmindfully magical, said-to-be miraculous, foggy dream-like things that you cannot see at least not in the many different ways the many different believers see them.
People have read my writing. And they've often thought I was saying things that I was not saying. Many have thought I directed the things I said at them. I did not. In their minds they had reason to believe that what they believed was true. But in my heart I had reason to know it was not true. What two reasoning people believe can be quite different. Sometimes it depends on whether they reason with their hearts or reason with their minds. Sometimes the clearest diamonds of reason are embedded not in the coal of what the mind believes, but what in the heart knows. It was my heart that wrote those feelings and it is my heart that can reason them. It was their minds that read those feelings and it is their minds that will never know the true reason behind them, but will form feelings based on what they believe.
Once I had said negative things about the arts community because at that time I was having negative experiences with it. A fixture in that same community read that writing and believed that I was talking about him. Yet I knew this was not true. What he had reason to believe was rooted in his emotions. They gave him a sense of inadequacy; this made an immediate turned-inward connection to my writing. Then he took it directly. What I had reason to know was rooted in reason because I knew I was not directing my negativity at a single person and those feelings were not permanent. But I was just negative about then, at the way the community made me feel just at that time. Therefore, what I know about how I really feel is reason; how I really felt obviously was feeling. I knew I had no reason to direct my disillusionment at specific people. The rejection of others gives me a reason to feel. Imagine having a reason to feel. Often there is no reason to back feeling. But there is often no reason to back suspicion though often they are not so unlike. And I have good reason to worry about suspicious minds. People's lives are destroyed by television - the most suspicious mind of all. There's no need to be suspect about things you need not be suspect about. All you need is reason to believe what you believe. Something said, something done, something heard, something seen to prove it. Evidence makes all the difference, if there is evidence that a child is as bad as she thinks she is. But she just thinks she is, and that's all the evidence she wants. She stomps on her halo of blue light. She smashes her golden harp. I am no angel, she says, but I am already a spirit being. She kicks a can through the woods. She picks a leaf off the maple tree in front of Government House. Whatever most suits her patience. Whatever helps her find reason through the emotion within herself. Check out the reason for the news on the television; there you will find confusion. Check out the graffiti on the bridge near the river; there you will find reason.
Elaine 07